Where do I start? What if I mess this up?
I had taken hours cleaning and sanding this unwanted, imperfect chair. I felt comfortable with its’ brokeness, the obvious rejection. The chair had probably “done its’ best”, but in the process had gained much grime, some damage, been repaired and finally discarded.
I like to upcycle/recycle by hand. Although the process is time consuming, and my business head argues with me constantly (calculating the costs of labour versus selling price and insisting that what I am doing has no value), I have a strong sense that something deeper within me is being dealt with as I journey in this way.
My creative, kind side is learning to be more assertive and practices interjecting with statements like: “life is not about money”; “your mental wellness is important” ; “who you are and what you do has value” ; “process has value too … ask Edison” and the latest one that really shuts the business head up for a while ; “You are saving the planet by reducing landfill”.
Finally, telling myself that at worst I can just paint the chair black if I really mess it up, I picked up the copic marker and began to doodle. My hand was shaking, I was embarassed and terrified somebody would walk over and watch me struggling. Rejection has been a constant, unwelcome companion … issuing accusations and generally trying to destroy me for the past few years. It undermines my confidence, but I need to survive…so I push forward.
The initial attempts left me completely underwhelmed. After a few encouraging whatsapp messages from my eldest sister, I pushed through, sanding off errors and adding colour. It began to flow… in spurts … but it was coming!
My supervisor and a colleague slipped into my corner and smiled, happy to see the progress. Emotional support strengthens one’s backbone. You feel those who believe in you literally pushing from behind, preventing you from falling backwards. THIS is valuable … for all of us….and now I can’t wait to get back into the workshop tomorrow afternoon … where I plan to continue pushing the fear further away as I boldly apply bright colours with a heart full of love.
#castix 